that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Four minutes until I can fart!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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