it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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