Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
