Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
