So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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