life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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