No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
