i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
