Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
