Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
