Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize