i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We were destined to go to rehab together
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
