If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
