My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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