Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
