You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If I die, sorry about rent.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
