No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize