2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
