im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
