I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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