Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize