??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
