he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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