the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
