She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
