So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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