the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
