OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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