i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
