im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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