I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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