Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
