We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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