ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
