I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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