OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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