I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
