PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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