It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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