yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Pants are for mortals
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
