I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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