He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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