I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
