Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
