clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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