sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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