i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
