Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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