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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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