hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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