Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Princesses don't give blow jobs
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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