is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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