I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
