Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
