Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
