You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
