I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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