Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
